My feelings today are UGH! The beginning of relationships and the end of relationships. Yuck...and Yuck.

-Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days the statue-

Is it me or are LA Laker flags and USA flags on cars big signs for who are the bad drivers?

-Rehab is for quitters-

This is where you will get inside my head (lucky you) and no my mind isn’t blank just because there is nothing on this page yet... It has only begun...(insert evil laugh here)

-Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies-

What do you see in this photo? Is it two girls or a girl kissing a guy with a really bad perm? Have you ever seen the show GREATEST AMERICAN HERO that was big in the early 80's? Maybe he has a gig selling flowers on MSN. It just struck me. With all the talk about gay rights and banning same sex marriages, I thought it was an interesting ad that MSN had on their main page. Personally, I think same sex marriages should be allowed. If two people want to commit to each other, than by all means. Go for it. Its not my business to tell anyone who they can and cant love.

Onto a completely different subject.I meant to write about this yesterday but didn't find time to write. I went to this restaurant NORMS for lunch yesterday. It's like a Denny's only more old people go there for some reason. I was reminded of how comfortable people can feel when they are not at home. I was sitting waiting for my food and could hear a little boy coughing at the table across from me. No big deal until it was the kind of cough that involves puking!!! YUCK! So, my appetite is getting smaller by this point and my food is taking forever. I hear the boy coughing some more and look up to see the dad licking the top of the ketchup bottle after using it!! GROSS! And if that isn't enough, there was a black hair in my boyfriend's food once it arrived. EWWW! Needless to say, I had no appetite and the waitress actually took my meal off the bill since I didn't touch it. So, um ..yeah is it any wonder how diseases spread?

Today's coffee count: 3 + hibiscus tea.

So, I guess I really am just stupid because all I am asked to do at work is get tea and coffee. It is on my last nerve. I think the email about getting a glass of water really set me off. Every time I am asked to get coffee I can hear my smart ass voice in my head going off like I'm 14 being reminded to clean my room. It is that annoying lump in my chest and I can feel my blood pressure rise when I am asked. I need a new job. This is seriously lame. I totally understand how people go postal from boredom. I think I spent a good portion of the day looking for another job on monster.com and carreerbuilder.com. I'm just annoyed. Maybe I should try to be let go. I know I am a smart, capable person and I am being treated like a brainless dumbass. Of course, people tell me to say something but really, when is the last time anyone stood up to their boss, said FUCK YOU, and had a job the next day? That is what I want to say. I think of my boss and I am reminded of Terri Garr in the movie Mr. Mom. She is all nice and sweet and starts cutting up her bosses food because she feels like a mom 24/7, even at work! Maybe that is what it is. I don't know...I'm just annoyed.

Today's coffee count: 2 + hibiscus tea.

It Is also fun to have a roommate's girlfriend use your shit, break things, and not say anything. I'm so annoyed right now. I hate having Roommates..No wait, I take that back, I hate having a roommates girlfriend over all the time who thinks Everything in the fridge is fair game and pots and Pans that are not her boyfriends, are ok to use and not clean. I don't even know why it annoys me so much. I think I just genuinely don't get a good vibe from her. I think it would be different if her and I were friends but we are not. She doesn't even ask if she can use my stuff or Borrow a cup or this or that. She just takes it. I have gone to the extreme of moving my pots and pans out of reach and labeling my things in the fridge with my name. How retarded is that? Its so childish. I think it's more of the principle of the matter. Don' use my things without asking. I would not go into her apartment and start using her stuff without some manners. So, I know what the common question is. Did I say anything to her? No. Why? Because I'm a complete panzie. I have this retarded fear of speaking up when people violate my space or property until it gets to a boiling point and then I explode. I don't know why I deny myself the opportunities to be a complete bitch sometimes. It may be small to some, being mad over something so small as a pot or pan but its annoying. I think that if its by accident, I understand. Once or twice, that's an accident, but if it happens more than that its being inconsiderate and to me it shows character. Peoples actions do that, at least for me. Today its a pot or pan, tomorrow its what..my stereo or computer that's broken without a word? Anyway..bitch bitch bitch..

So what is this you ask? Why another attention whore. No, not Jen and Ben. Its David Blaine in a box. Yep. What's the point you may ask? Good question. I find it funny that he is doing all these stunts and still the Guinness Book of Records will not recognize any of his efforts. You know we have people who live in boxes, they are called homeless. Why doesn't David Blane do something more meaningful for society. If he has so much time on his hands where he can live in a box for 44 days and not eat, why doesn't he donate his time to a homeless shelter or do some volunteer Work at a hospital. Seriously, who funded this crap?

I'm annoyed that I'm even entertaining this with a response but good god. What went wrong? I don't know, a concocted relationship to promote a movie that went to shit? Hmm...What went wrong? Overexposure? Payola to the press? End of 15 minutes of fame, or in their case a movie going straight to video? The answers are endless. I am hoping something really went wrong so we wont have to see their relationship gossip on the homepage of MSNBC everyday like we have for the last year.I posted this before in August but somehow it got lost on my journal site. So once again…I repeat..

When its not enough to get publicity from dating and making a really bad movie together.

So its been a little over a month since I wrote anything in here. I have been so busy with my last class. I haven't had time to rant in here. I have mostly saved it for my schoolmates since my last class was Contemporary Issues in American Business. My employer is so bunk. I had plenty of material to use. This last class was great. I think my journal will take a turn for the political side. There is so much crap going on. The latest thing is giving drivers licenses to illegal immigrants in California. Have you heard about this? My opinion is that if someone is coming from outside the US and is trying to make their way honestly through the system then so be it. i have no problem with it. But I think that its a shady bill really. I think its more for the politicians to get more votes than for the welfare and safety of the people in California. All you need to vote in CA is a valid license.

Finally, its Friday. This week felt entirely too long. I'm going out of town this weekend so this journal won't be updated for a few days. I know, try to hold back the tears. A day without a Jen Bitch Journal update is like a day without sunshine isn't it? I'm listening to a coworker describe all the different car accidents he has seen and been in. Makes thinking about taking a driving trip later tonight all the more soothing. Now he is giving driving tips. Ya notice the people who seem to give all the advice are the worst at the shit they are talking about? Like driving advice? There is a quote I read the other day that I just love. It is so fitting for people who talk out their ass. *Don't talk unless you can improve the silence* See, holding your tongue and not speaking can be a good thing. I've said it before but really, some people need to just shut up.

Have you seen those 10-10-220 commercials? Every time I see them I always think who is the genius that thought Alf would make for great advertising? Wasn't he an alien who ate cats and drank beer? I don't know. Who would you trust to give you cheap phone calling advice? Alf? Or this?

Ok, not to be insensitive to the fact that a girl was killed from a shark attack but let me say what strikes me as a bit tardo (that's retarded slang YO). I've seen a bunch of media about this and the second shark attack where the same question is being asked, "why are sharks attacking?" Umm, I don't know, because its the sharks natural environment and we are in it? We take a lot from nature and wonder why it strikes back on occasion. I don't get why there is a question of why. Then there are reports on how to avoid a shark attack.

Swim in a group. Sharks usually attack lone individuals. Avoid the water at night, dawn, or dusk.(Basically,don't ever go in the water)

Don't go in the water if you're bleeding. Sharks can smell and taste blood, and trace it back to its source (just what I thought, that 2 ounces of blood over a 4 to 6 day time frame is inviting some sort of an attack...whether on land or sea).

Don't wear shiny jewelry. It looks like shiny fish scales to a shark.

Don't splash a lot. This just attracts sharks. If you see a shark in the water, don't go in and don't try to touch a shark if you see one! Enough said. (Don't even think of having a good time)

I don't have a lot to say today. I’m really super tired. I do have some poetry ramblings to put up though. YaY! I haven't been writing as much as I used to. I guess having a non turbulent relationship has stunted my poor me, and I hate you writing style for now. But that's ok. I'm sure my heart will be crushed into little pieces in no time. AGAIN!

Smothering me
Partnering my apathy
With the bitter sweet poker face
You see
Paralyzed me
Monopolized me
Made me your tragedy
Polar opposite deity
How do I feel today?
Just another emotion
I don't want to deal with
Again
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I cant
Breathe
The shame
Of who to blame
When it all goes the way of wrong
The trophy masterpiece you saw in me
Value assessed by your stupidity
You got what you put in
NOTHING
And in the end
How do I feel today?
Just another emotion
I don't want to deal with
Again I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I cant
Breathe

I'm feeling a bit weird today. My mind has been non stop the whole night. It's annoying. Ever have that where your brain just WONT relax? I don't know, I guess I feel like 2nd rate and it sucks. I'm a priority for jack and shit it seems. Meanwhile I'm making them a huge priority. For what? Such a great feeling. Maybe I'm just being stupid cuz I'm really tired, but my mind was just on overdrive last night. I make time for others and they make shit for me. I get scraps of their time. I will never for the life of me understand how I care for people and always get shit on. ALWAYS!! Just makes me depressed really and feel like I’m just here on earth to be tortured inside. Feeling a range of shit emotions over and over. I guess this would be a great day to put the lyrics to Numb up here. Cuz its how I feel.

I I I just wanna feel numb
I I I just wanna feel nothing
I I I just wanna be numb
I I I just wanna be nothing
Wanna feel nothing
yeah
Wanna open my mouth and be filled with concrete
Wanna sleeve that’s tamper proof from a heart beat
Wanna be beaten down
So nothing affects my brain
Want cancer for my soul
Leaving no impressions on me
Conscience free
Conscience free
I just wanna feel nothing
Wanna feel nothing
I I I just wanna feel numb
I I I just wanna feel nothing
I I I just wanna be numb
I I I just wanna be nothing
Wanna be nothing
Wanna be nothing
yeah
Such a pretty bed you leave
Legs wide open to deceit
When I feel a little trust and believe
All over again I'm reminded to feel
Feel nothing
Feel nothing
I I I just wanna feel nothing
Wanna feel nothing
just wanna feel nothing
just wanna feel nothing
I I I just wanna feel
I I I just wanna feel
I I I just wanna feel
nothing

I'm so sick of flakes. They all need to be put on a deserted island and left there so they can't leave. What is that about anyway's? Is it a genetic retardation in some people to just make plans and cancel at the last minute? Something better came up? Wow, what a way to make the person you had plans with feel like a complete winner in your life. We live in such a funny world of people all absorbed with themselves. Stepping out of their boundaries only if it will do something for them. What ever happened for doing something nice for others, just because? PEOPLE SUCK! That's my feeling today. Oh yeah, here's some poetry ramblings too.

What a way to be
Insecure and waiting
Like a dog begging and kept at bay
I get the scraps of your time at the end of the day
And it's lonely
In the late hours of the night
I wish I was worth more than 5 minutes
of conversation and a kiss goodnight
When all I want is your time
Uncompromised
Maybe I'm making too much of this
Or maybe I need a new perspective
Cuz I feel like I'm wasting my time on someone who
Could give a shit
What time it is
Is it too much that someone actually cares in this world about
you
It feels like a big fuck you is all I get as I wait around
And wait around for you
Your time, so precious
But the view from the sidelines
If you were only in my mind
You'd see how waiting around feels
Maybe it's stupid of me
To give everything
With the conditions I get back in return
All I feel is my stomach turn
And I'm sick from being this way
Sick in my brain
Muting what's insane
What a way to be
What a way to be
the needed
Instead of the needy

I got an instant message from that girl who was all into my ex. You may recognize him from the photo to your left. The horns may be missing now but trust me, that's him in true form right there. Some women just amaze me. Like this girl for example. Awhile back when she and I first talked and I got the first clue my ex was a cheater, she would ask me questions about him. Things he would say to her. I told her the truth and she was shocked he lied to her. So now, it's just insane to hear her tell me she spoke to him some more just recently. I mean, she. deserves what she gets from him because she was warned. He on the other hand deserves a nice butt love session from our local LA holding facility, but that's another journal entry for another day. But back to the subject, Women are dumb. Myself included. I'll admit I've been an idiot when it comes to love. I think I’ve learned a bit after this last experience with Satan here but I'm such a sucker. I guess I'm just hopeful. You gotta take chances in life and get a few bruises a long the way. What's the point of living if you don't put yourself out there sometimes? I know I will get hurt again but it's not the first time or the last. When you find someone to love who loves you back take a chance, what's the worst that could happen? Most times you learn something good or bad. That's what life is. A learning process. God, I don't know what the cook put in the soup today but I'm all full of Dr. Phil shit.